Meanderings

[acid_rayne]

I got asked if I'm happy I haven't been given anyone to... Warden, whatever. I wrote back and basically said I didn't care.

And I don't. But I get the feeling some people here think you're somehow a failure if you don't get one. Or if you've had some but they never graduated.

And it's a crazy question, you know? In the grand scheme of it. Because let's be honest, most of you who get assigned one of us ends up hating the guts of whoever it turns out to be. Or you tolerate it and want to be left the hell alone. Then you end up frustrating whoever's been made responsible for you and it turns into this whole big vicious circle of violent annoyance.

So, how's it a failure not to get picked for that? I mean, really? Sure, we don't get our deal seen through, but we'll get plonked down right where we left off at. It's not like time's cycling on by or anything. And hell, I know I wouldn't have been a good choice for most of y'all who came in over the last month or two.

Truth is, I'm scratching my head, trying to figure out why I did get put with who I wound up with. Firefly worked. Kinda'... But the rest? 'Side from my temp duties, that is. They're voluntary. Like, who the hell comes through here who would get matched up with me? I don't mother anyone. I largely don't care. It's not like I'll teach anyone how to avoid conflict, right?

I need someone who... What? Just needs to tone down the destruction a little? Someone who doesn't need to relate to being human? Someone so screwed up in the head that a girl like me would be someone to aspire to? It ain't that I got no self-worth... But I know who I am. What I am. I know I'd be no good trying to talk anyone out of being some murderous vigilante, because that's pretty much what I've done. And the clever bastards who try to psyche you out... They push my buttons, man. I've had those guys. We never get on well. And someone who needs to learn how to get out and connect with people? Forget it! I'm the last one the reclusives should look to for advice.

Does the Admiral piss me off? Yeah. Does with everyone, eventually. Or maybe just whoever they put in charge of driving us around. But I'm at least thankful it's been a while since I got shoved me in with someone who'd mess up my gears. I recognise that, y'know? Even feel a little grateful.

So, you asked for your ticket aboard and no-one's punched it yet? Don't worry about it. Someone'll come along. That don't make you a failure. Just means you're getting saved from a little extra insanity, that's all.

Comments

[last-kodiak.livejournal.com]

It's not about being a failure. It's about...idleness. We are here for a reason. To do a job. And without an inmate, that cannot happen.

[acid_rayne]

Well, if anyone needs me, they only have to ask.

[last-kodiak.livejournal.com]

Do you expect them to ask?

[acid_rayne]

If they need from someone like me, they'll ask.

[last-kodiak.livejournal.com]

I'm sure it's not the same.

[acid_rayne]

Why not?

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

You're really chatty lately. I think I like it.

[raisedinabox]

[Mmm terrifying evil redhead, he thinks you'd make a wonderful mother.]

I think that's a very healthy way to approach this place. If you don't mind me asking, have you been waiting for a new assignment long?

[acid_rayne]

Y'do? Eh... Guess I have been. Impending shitstorms always bring it out in me.

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

Sure. You make a lot of sense when you do.

1/3 I need to learn to differentiate between boxed Prefects!

[acid_rayne]

Oh, um... Thanks?

Sorry, agreement's a rarity in this place.

Yeah, a while. My last was... Let me check on that.

2/3

[acid_rayne]

Jesus Christ

3/3

[acid_rayne]

I think about three months ago.

It's... Difficult to tell around here.

[acid_rayne]

I should do marriage counselling, huh?

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

Doling out advice for couples? Maybe. Could be your real calling.

[grand-lotus.livejournal.com]

But if I may say so, Rayne, your honesty is a gift to everyone.

I'm tempted to phase out Prefect icons for a different Pasdar, but that could just make things worse

[raisedinabox]

I'm definitely getting that impression, but I think that not beating yourself up for things you can't control is a hard suggestion to disagree with. You're not going to help anybody if you give up hope too easily.

Three months. So it's possible to be unassigned for some time here? Does that apply to the inmates as well, or just the wardens?

[acid_rayne]

Christ, I think I'm turning into Morgan... Since when did I get all leadership-y and start consoling the new warden intake?

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

I don't know. Since when did you care enough to comment on it all?

Never!

[acid_rayne]

It's... Possible. I mean, I don't feel the need to reply to much, but I notice things. The odd person, here and there, who goes solo for a while.

I just think it's nice to be thankful for small mercies, y'know? A place like this teaches you that.

Usually, we just get more wardens. I think that bat dude... Eddie? Anyway, him. He went without. I think he lately got someone assigned his way. But inmates on their own are more of an exception than the rule.

[acid_rayne]

Heh, thanks. We don't talk much, but I peg you as a guy who knows the score with life. So, that means a lot.

[acid_rayne]

I guess it's creeping in. Or maybe it's Abi. New gal. We get on OK.

Between you and her, it's like reliving the old days. I'd say Angelica, too, but I ain't that old!

....all of them my characters. sigh. XD

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

That sort of stuff sneaks up on you, that caring thing. Watch out.

[grand-lotus.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[Private]

And I hope that you continue to take heart. It was sheer luck that found me an Inmate so quickly who was well-suited to the guidance I offer him. Eventually someone will arrive who is matched to your unique insight.

If you ever go, you'll kill her social life!

[acid_rayne]

Trust me, the number of people I've met in life and respect is a real low number.

Private:

[acid_rayne]

Yeah, he wrote about you to me, just lately. Said he considers you different to the rest of us - I think in the good way. I don't know how you worked that angle on him, but keep it up.

The way I look at it, the longer everyone else here goes without someone who needs a personality like mine, the safer it is for the rest of you.

Besides, I've got nothing back home except a vampire apocalypse.

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

Then I guess there's no reason to worry about you becoming a bleeding heart on us.

[acid_rayne]

Making someone else's bleed, maybe.

[last-kodiak.livejournal.com]

Being there just in case someone needs you to help is not the same as having your own charge.

Private:

[grand-lotus.livejournal.com]

I think he has simply spent more time with me than with any other Warden - enough to appreciate that I am a person and not a title, and I am sure we are not the only pair for whom that is true.

I'm sorry that your world faces such disaster, Rayne. Forgive me if I ask too much, but...is that why you are here?

[subtlescience]

Someone asked whether you had an inmate and you felt the need to write this?

[acid_rayne]

I know that! But getting paired up isn't exactly in my jurisdiction, is it?

Took care of Prefect for a while, back when his went away.

[acid_rayne]

You could just ignore it.

[subtlescience]

It's isn't a question of whether I want to read it, but of why you would want to write it.

You've never struck me as the sort to care enough to offer an explanation.

[last-kodiak.livejournal.com]

I never said it was. But you asked me to clarify, did you not?

[acid_rayne]

But I do get bored.

[acid_rayne]

I think we began talking at cross purposes, somewhere.

[last-kodiak.livejournal.com]

I suppose so. You bring a fair point, however.

Taking care of another inmate...why?

[acid_rayne]

He's a friend.

[last-kodiak.livejournal.com]

You can effectively warden a person you believe to be a friend?

[acid_rayne]

Well, that's the ideal, yeah. You trust one another. Means you're not both trying to undermine things all the time.

But then, not everyone can remain objective about it like me.

[last-kodiak.livejournal.com]

Those emotional ties will simply drag you down.

[acid_rayne]

As I say, it's not for everyone.